Pretending to be Jammer

Man I'm shite-that's the official verdict!!!!!!
I had my first attempt (in fact 5 or 6) at Jamming since I injured my knee a few months ago. I have been taking it easy - getting used to skating full contact again, building up endurance, finding my form. Last practise, I stepped up to the line, I was feeling quite brave (or so I was trying to convince myself!), the whistle went and I found myself being left behind. Everyone was faster, fitter, more agile at finding holes in the pack than I was. I felt like a complete failure. Man I was shite!
I'm not gonna sit here and wallow though, I'm gonna get back up there and skate my ass off until my form returns. I'm gonna get better and fitter and stronger and I'm going to be the one who will kick ass again.
I'm also feeling very sore and stiff after practise which is a good thing - it means I was skating hard and its a good sore feeling. It hurts to sit down and stand up - I think I pulled a muscle in my ass!
The blocking was good, I think I'm kinda falling into the pivot role. I want to be able to play in any position though. I want to be an all rounder.
Its good to be back, although a little humiliating. The girls don't make me feel like a total loser though, the support is great. Also from you guys who read my blog, the little notes of support are great. Its good to know that I inspire and keep you all entertained!

Feels like forever......

Fuck, its been a long time!!!! Good news though, I'm back!!!!! Back on my skates and I feel like a newbie again. Ive lost my confidence, my speed and my endurance. We were playing chase the pack the other week and I was skating a jam speed and Ive never felt so unstable on my skates since I first put them on as a freshie! My skating position was all to hell, my skates were wobbling all over the place and I thought I was going to fall and injure my knee all over again. It sucks to be scared of an injury!
Ive been practising my knee drops also and I can just about perform double knee slides again with confidence and Ive fallen a few times without injury - woo-hoo!!! The only thing I need to tackle again is Jamming...........
That word puts the fear of death into me, I used to love stepping up to the jammer line and taking everyone on. Now, all I feel is the lack of confidence that comes with not being fast enough or steady enough. The insecurity of not being able to fall properly when I'm blocked is a bit scary also. I really don't want to be injured again before my season gets off to a start.
I'm trying to remedy it though, squats, lunges and just skating are all helping. The girls are fantastic, always reassuring me and shouting me on - you have no idea how much that comforts you when your not feeling all that on your skates.
Ive managed to achieve a few things whilst Ive been off my skates though. I have managed to write up our official rules and our referees are coming on leaps and bounds - although they are calling me out on my chicken wings a little to much for my liking!!!!! WHERE DO YOUR LOYALTIES LIE!!!!!!
We are becoming more like a fully functioning league every training session. We have more girls who are joining up every day, soon we will have all our teams filled and then you all better watch out!! We will be coming for ya and we will be victorious in our world domination! Mwahh-ha-ha!!!

Loss of Confidence

I have been off injured now for 5 weeks and it feels like forever. I have been on my skates skating, but no contact allowed. That means no blocking, no jamming, no checking, NO FUN!!!!!!! It really sucks, it was so hard to put my skates on again and get out there just to skate. I felt like a freshie again, scared of everyone around me and scared to really push myself incase I fell and hurt my knee all over again. I miss my girls, I miss being in the pack and blocking, I even miss jamming even though I'm not all that great at it! Before my injury, I felt like nothing could touch me, that I was invincible. I relished the thought of knocking my team mates on their asses and in turn being blocked on my ass. as one of my team mates was overheard saying "Is it wrong to love the feeling of your helmet sliding over the floor when you've been knocked on your ass?"
The up-shot of it all though is that Ive been able to learn the rules a bit more and will be getting all the refs up to speed with them. Ive been able to skate on the inside track and watch my girls and see where there could be any improvement and remind them to keep the chicken wings at bay!!! The down side is that I'm going to feel really guilty about my chicken wings and illegal moves because I should know better!!!!
My physio has been great, she has been massaging and ultrasounding me back to health and has been giving me really good exercises to follow - and I think she is coming round to the idea of being league physio!!!!! It should only be another week or two before I'm full contact again and I cant wait. Not looking forward to seeing how out of condition I am, but that will be another story....

Clash of personalities???

Im feeling disembodied, I feel like im being taken over by another, more dominant force. My derby persona is encroaching more and more in my personal life and im getting more and more confused by the day.
My everyday clothing is being taken over by shorter skirts and stripier, more vibrant socks. My rugby shirts are being relegated to the back of the wardrobe in favour of all my different roller girl t-shirts. My sensible, comfy trainers are being relegated in favour of higher heels and platform soles. What is happening to me? Is my derby persona the real me thats always been afraid to venture forth or am I being taken over by an alter ego that was made for the track?
I have always known she has been there, lurking in the background, but I have always been able to control her - she only got out to play when I was drunk or feeling really slim and confident with myself. Now she is easier to 'let out of the box' and its getting harder and harder for me to put her away!
I feel I may be taken away in a straight jacket if I tell any of my non-derby friends how I feel, but in a way, im not all that concerned if she comes out to stay.
My other self is confident, sassy and not afraid to slap men on the ass and give a sly wink someones way! She is less likely to let people walk all over her, not afraid to tell people that enough is enough - your not taking advantage of me anymore! My boyfriend likes my other self - im sure of it!!!! He likes the way she takes control...........
Does anyone else feel this way about their derby alter ego? Surely im not the only one with a clash of personalities.......

On the derby front, im injured!!!! I fell whilst jamming and buggered my knee. Im off full contact scrimmage for a few weeks. The upside, im learning the rules as im playing at being ref. I dont want to learn the rules of course - because then I cant cheat and say I didnt know that I was doing wrong!!!!!
We are about to start with a new set of fresh meat - almost at full capacity! Yay! We are officially that one step closer to posting our bout season.........in front of real live people, joe public and all that jazz.
On a personal front, im posting less than regularly as my computer died on me. Gonna have to get a new one. I feel lost, jittery and out of touch without my laptop.
Never fear tho, I will endeavour to bring you my news and gossip and my ramblings!!!!